I decided to write myself down daily for the next 21 days to develope my discipline & getting out from the resistence/lazyness of writing.
Today will be the first one & I will also write in both languages - german & english in different days to become more effectiveness in my vocab.
So, here I am.
Today I went to work and slept to long. The alarm clock rings but I pulled him off and said to myself "I have still few minutes" and layed me down again. As I woke up again, I had still 10 minutes to get ready bevor I had to go. So I get stressed - searching my clothes, bringing the puppies to my parents ....
I didn�t direct myself when I woke up the first time, I gave the/my patterns of laziness & thoughts connected with feelings of "feeling comfortable in the bed - its so nice & cozy" the precedence.
Also the stress-reaction wasn�t necessary because I didn�t found the half of my stuff & furthermore is stress also a design of thoughts/emotions which I have created/allowed within me in the past because of fearing that others/the boss can say something to me when I come to late. Stress = Fear. The problem of stress is, its based on time and not on awareness.
The place where we work was pretty cold -8 degrees - I felt pain within my fingers because of the frigidity. I tried to be calm & relaxed and breathing through this pain. Today I didn�t judge the frigidity but I remebered me that I did this in the past in various situations - "when I was by a friend, he lived in a old house without a ordinary oven, just a small heater - I remember me one time I had to go in the bathroom to thaw my feeds or another one when I was on the mountain. I got always very fast cold fingers and sometimes I was worry about that.
It was fascinating to obesere how the body handle this because in the beginning my entire body was cold then just my hands/fingers, after a while it changed to onetime cold on my right hand and one time cold on my left hand and one time cold on my feeds and so on.
I also tried to use today the LOA - I imagned/wished warm fingers because in the beginning it was impossible to work with my hands. I realized that relaxing & being here within & as the physical brings warmth.
After the work I came home - my parents took care for my puppies. I went into my room and my mother was follow me. I felt a bit overworked because this kind of work occurs not often in my reality. My mother and me talked about something and she started talking with me as I were a little child and gave me instructions what & how I have to do like you have to turn on the light, dont put you cothes here ....
And a feeling/patterns of anger cames up within me but I stoped me imedeately & I said one sentence in anger like I do what I do but then I stoped talking with my mother because its a nonsense to talk in anger & also to talk in kind of instructions is not a communication - its master-slave-game which one did not give the otherone an equal position to self-responsibility as Life.
From my perspective its a typical reaction from parents(who believe that they are the masters) to his child (because of believing the child is stupid & need intstruction like a slave).
When I write this now and see the situation within me again a have the feeling of anger/irritability again.
Also my reaction in anger is based on past experiences which I have stored as memories in connection with feelings/emotions within me, many times I reacted in anger when I got instructions from my parents. Even as a child I went or rather I tried to went my own way and when I became a teenager I started to fight against this and justify myself like I have my own life, I know what I do, look at yourself, I am free to do what I want, I can express myself how I want & nobody can stop me, 1,2,3 Anarchy.....
(but most in way of taking care of my environment)
I had also a point where I judged my parents because of not given me in my early years to bear my own self-responsibility and not only coddle me.
This point I should not miss is that I gave also my parents instructions in situations of heath, I wanted to give support but the outplay was different because i didn�t know how to support effectively - in this I am developing me now also by doing my writings.
I realized here that free expression created this world how it is thus I will no longer allow to express myself or the expression from others as How I want or how they want except it is from a starting point of EQUAL as ONE as ALL LIFE for the benefit of all because otherwise its a ego-game like my patterns/reaction of anger/irritation and also the expression of communication from my mother - in both is nothing inside which will work for best of all.
The anger which not exist in this Reality is just a outplay from the ego to protect the self-interest like"I express myself how I want or I do what I want to do".
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to protect my self-created ego/self-interest with anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to judge my parents because of me not given even in my early years an equal possition of self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve that ego do really exist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve that anger/irritation do really exist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-act in anger/irritation when my parents/mother/father gave me instructions what & how I have to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to judge the form of communication of my parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to give instructions to my parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to not stand one & equal with my parents.
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