Emotional Turmoil

Since the last few days I falled in a emotional turmoil, it starts when I tried to bringing together my puppies with the dukes. I made also a vlog about this.
I opened the door where the dukes lived and I wasn´t aware that both puppies behind me. They running into the dukes places and wanted to play with them.
I saw this & in this moment I had shocked reaction, I was shouting to the puppies, one of them heared me but Balu was straight behind the dukes, after a while he heard me too.

After this situation I started to judge myself because of this shocked/anxious & angry reaction, because I beLIEved I had corrected myself completly from some reaction & that I now stable here. But I decieved myself already within in my believe, I created wihtin this believe/a new deception as a desire which got not fullfilled.
Since this time I felt a knot within my stomach & became more & more confused & also irritated & I can´t let it go ! I was seraching why, where is the point what I have missed.
I applied Self-Forgiveness but all in vain.
I also allowed myself to fall into old patterns again like how I talk with my parents especially my mother & through my confusion thus my unawareness I felt unable to stop it.

I didn´t realize that the point was of not standing equal with my shocked/anxious/angry reaction. So within this reaction & the judgement of this reaction I created a double layer within the mind within me so to speak or rather a tripple layer because after all I didn´t stand one & equal with the knot/feeling in the stomach area. I desired to feel comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to not stand equal as one with the knot what I feel in the stomach-area.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to judge the perception of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to participate in mind/thoughts as desire.
I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself to desire a comfortable situation without standing here in self-responsibility & taking no consideration that I have correct myself for all what I have accepted & allowed within & as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to define myself as the knot in the stomach area.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to not let go the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to be aware by every breath in every moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself the view refused to see what I have accepted & allowed within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to search in the mind as the mind for the answer what I can do instead of looking for what I have allowed & where I am/where I participate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to define the word knot as an emotion/feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself to judge my judgement.
I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself to not stand one & equal with my shocked/anxious/angry reaction & not realizing that I have built up another layer with my judgment to my shocked/anxoius/angry reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to judge my shocked/anxious/angry reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to participate within in the mind & believe within this thoughts what I had.

I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself that I have believed that all corrections about anger are done.

I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself to deceive myself within & as the believe that all corrections about angry re-action are done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to participate again in anger by communicating with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to feel irritated by communicating with my parents.

Last time I experienced by being a passenger in a car that I had some shocked/anxious reaction because of not trusting the situation on the street and further more I judged the driver because of his driving style.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to have a shocked/anxious reaction by being a passenger in car without trusting my environment thus not trusting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to judge the driver because of his driving style.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to stand not equal as one with death thus I reacted in shocked/anxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to fear the death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to believe that the survival-instinct must exist because for my own security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to not see & realize that so long a survival-instinct exist within & as me I am limited & I will stand real here as equal as one as life and act for what is best for all because the survival-instinct is a selfish program within the mind consciousness system thus a deception/illusion & a separation from myself & so long patterns within me exist what stand for self-protection it will never be real & it will never be for what is best for all.