Shocked !

Yesterday I worked with/helped a friend making a Interior Building, after the launch break, he bored me with a screw throughout my finger. I was standing there on the wall, I looked on my finger & I tried to go away but my finger was fixed on the wall - he was on the backside, he didn´t see me and I said just screw it backwards.

After he comes one of the first things what I said was “can happen” & “cool, I wasn´t really shoked” – he looked more shocked than me – he went to the car for some bandages. When he was away a feeling of dizziness & heat in stomach comes up, I started to sweat.

Some thoughts/pictures going around within me of my father, especially one Moment where I squeezed a finger from my dad by a car-door. My father looked at this moment still strong, not whining. When me happened this I saw my father as an example for “if something happen – stay calm”.

He brought me home and when I was at home tried sometimes to look back to this situation and felt that my body started to contract/having some emotional reaction by seeing again these pictures. I looked away & then I tried it again because I wanted to see the situation without any energatical/emotional movements/reactions.

It starts with the statement “I wasn´t really shocked”, I tried to deceive myself & my friend but obviously I had a shock but I wanted thtat it looks like that I in all-ways being stable/calm.

The last years I had some situation where I didn´t showed others my weakness I tried always stand here as strong & always being relaxed. I tried to hide myself from what I have allowed.

I see some situations by communicating with my parents which was sometimes combined with anger/irritation & when I lived together with Markus(spirit/new age/esoteric time).

I had also created a fixed picture of myself how I have to behave in some situations. My behavior of showing myself as strong is a self-protection, a protection of seeing whats really going on here/what have I accepted & allowed. 

It’s a polarity-game – want always be strong & thus created the weakness too and for this game I took my father as example.

Fascinating is that I have not really an Agreement with my father(what I currently see) but about strenght.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have an Agreement with my father about strenght.

I forgive myself that i haven´t allowed myself to see that each & every single point of agreement is a definition of myself & of others & each & every single definition of myself/others is a limitation/seperation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to face myself in everything what I acccepted within me & thus the world.

I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself to hide myself especially in showing others my self-created & self-allowed weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accpeted & allowed myself not standing one & equal as weakness.

I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted & allowed myself to see that strenght & weakness is just a polarity & thus not life as one as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to desire strenght.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to protect myself/my ego with the believe of strenght.

I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself to fear weakness.

I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself not to see that strenght & weakness are not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to participate in the design/idea of weakness & strenght.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to use anger to present myself as strong.