21 Days - daily writing

Tag 4

Heute war ich mit Balu & Babu (meine zwei puppies das erste mal wo anders spazieren und auch das zweite mal Autofahren. Beim ersten mal waren sie noch 8 Wochen alte Babies - wir hatten knapp 1 Stunde zu fahren und ich sah das es ihnen ziemlich �bel ging, wortw�rtlich genommen. Und seid dem an, jedes mal wenn ich �bers mit ihnen mal wieder Autofahren nachdenke, kommt mir der Gedanke wie es ihnen jetzt wohl dabei gehen mag - ob sie noch immer kotzen w�rden?

Faszierend an dem heutigen erlebniss war, als wir heute Auto fuhren bemerkte ich wie es mir so wie auch ihnen auch �bel wurde, was sonst schon lange nicht mehr hatte, ausser wenn ich w�rend dem Autofahren was gelesen habe. Ich erkannte in mir das Muster von �belkeit in verbindung mit Autofahren. Warum mir auch �bel wurde erkl�re ich so das die Frequenz welches in dem Muster von "�belkeit in Verbindung mit w�rend dem Autofahren" mein von mir erlaubtes & in mir existierendes Muster in diesem Moment auch hervor brachte.
Wir haben nicht erbrochen, doch beim Heimfahren erbrach Balu, 30 m vor der Hauseinfahrt.
Ich blieb fokusierd am Atmen und sprach im Mind ein paar Selbst-Vergebungss�tze.

Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert und erlaubt habe das Wort �belkeit mit Schwindel verbunden zu haben.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert und erlaubt have das Wort �belkeit mit Schwindel definiert zu haben.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert & erlaubt habe das Wort �belkeit mit Autofahren verbunden habe.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert und erlaubt habe das Wort �belkeit mit Autofahren definiert zu haben.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert und erlaubt habe das Wort �belkeit mit "w�rend dem Autofahren lesen" verbunden habe.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert und erlaubt habe das Wort �belkeit mit "w�rend dem Autofahren lesen" definiert zu haben.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert und erlaubt habe �belkeit/Erbrechen w�rend dem Autofahren als etwas negatives/schlechtes beurteilt zu haben.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir erlaubt & akzeptiert habe �belkeit/Erbrechen w�rend dem Autofahren als etwas schlechtes/negatives belastet zu haben.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe mir Gedaken dar�ber gemacht zu haben wie es den Hunden wohl beim Autofahren gehen mag.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert und erlaubt habe das Gef�hl Schwindel mit Autofahren definiert und verbunden zu haben.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert und erlaubt habe das Gef�hl Schwindel mit w�rend dem Autofahren lesen verbunden und definiert zu haben.

21 Days - daily writing myself to freedom - Part 3

I missed writing yesterday because I persuaded me that I am too shattered for wrting because I worked the last 2 days too much lol - I felt my body extremly thus I believed I can give me a outtime but this is the same when I would say - for this day I take not Self-Responsibility - next time I will allow myself also to write about and if its just few sentences - I will write.

Today I finished my Lesson3 Assignment with the work-sheet-tool its a very cool support/assistance and you can go very specific in details.
I started also with a second topic but then I saw that this document didn�t open completly - so I have to start again or rather I copy the text what I have written and fill it into a new document.

I had a small discussion with my parents because of our communication and that we should work on them because then it will be easier to live togehter.
I got also a bit irritated within the discussion but corrected me after the discussion immedately with self-forgiveness.

The second topic is about anger/irritation - with this assistence from the work-sheet-tool I will go in details because within the Lesson 3 I realized that I have missed some points within my correction of anger/irritation thus it was so easy for me to jump up again and run again the same cycle but no further. I have to get this done - I played too long with this points and took not really Self-Responsibility for walking my process.

Since I layed away the second topic I feel a pressur in my back in heart level and on my right ear-shell I feel pain but currently I do not see what it is.

Also what I have missed the last month was breathing in awareness - I am breath but how can I be real here as a living example when I am unable to be aware in every moment on my breath - how can I say I see when I am not aware on my breath in every moment.

21 Days - daily writing myself to freedom - Part 2

Today I talked with Markus about awareness & equal money.
He said "why should I be aware over my breath it happens automatically" and he said also that he has enough other things to think. I explained him that awareness & thinking are 2 different things - Awareness is a point of Self-Realization for what is here in the every moment & thinking is the opposite from awareness because of thinking we just walk away from ourselves from what is here - by thinking we walk into a phantasie-world which do not exist here in this physical Reality.

The more awareness we get the more we will realize how fucked up we are or rather how much bullshit we have created/accepted/allowed within believing in the mind/this phantasie-world which direct/manipulate/enslave ourselves in walking our daily life.
Everything what happens automatically is not self-directed & thus a robot. So from this Self-Realization observe your life/your daily acting/reacting how much you have become a robot.

Common-Sense - within awareness we will realize how the things interact in the wholeness/oneness & how & why things happens & we will also realize what we, each one can do to change this world for a "better/worthy place where suffer will no longer exist - the same with equal money - by becoming awareness of life you will see that our current money isn�t effective for humanity - it works exact in the opposite way - it supports poverty, starvation, suffer, war, LIEs, Secrets, - if you have something to hide you are willing to cheat others/your environment and this is the point where inhumanity comes to light.

If you are willing to give up your secrets you are willing to stand for a dignified life - if you are willing to stand for a real dignified life for everybody you have to take Self-Responsibiltiy & you have to stand equal as one as all life because its what you are thus you have to walk your process in correcting yourself in everything what you have accepted & allowed.
We created in our phantasie-world/mind so many different values for life but there is just one value - an equal value - When you stand within Money & Life in an equal Value/possition then you have changed the primary point for establishing a new money-system & this is the reason why every single human being is responsible for the systems here on earth - the personalities with their individual settings & individual Values to life.


A point what I have seen by the discussion with Markus was that I had a desire to have with him an agreement about Awareness & Equal Money.
A desire is a creation from & within the mind what implies its not real here - its an illusion/deception & a seperation from myself. To desire something you are able to be dishonest as much as possible to get fullfilled the wish/want/desire.

21 Days - daily writing myself to freedom - Part 1

I decided to write myself down daily for the next 21 days to develope my discipline & getting out from the resistence/lazyness of writing.
Today will be the first one & I will also write in both languages - german & english in different days to become more effectiveness in my vocab.

So, here I am.

Today I went to work and slept to long. The alarm clock rings but I pulled him off and said to myself "I have still few minutes" and layed me down again. As I woke up again, I had still 10 minutes to get ready bevor I had to go. So I get stressed - searching my clothes, bringing the puppies to my parents ....
I didn�t direct myself when I woke up the first time, I gave the/my patterns of laziness & thoughts connected with feelings of "feeling comfortable in the bed - its so nice & cozy" the precedence.

Also the stress-reaction wasn�t necessary because I didn�t found the half of my stuff & furthermore is stress also a design of thoughts/emotions which I have created/allowed within me in the past because of fearing that others/the boss can say something to me when I come to late. Stress = Fear. The problem of stress is, its based on time and not on awareness.

The place where we work was pretty cold -8 degrees - I felt pain within my fingers because of the frigidity. I tried to be calm & relaxed and breathing through this pain. Today I didn�t judge the frigidity but I remebered me that I did this in the past in various situations - "when I was by a friend, he lived in a old house without a ordinary oven, just a small heater - I remember me one time I had to go in the bathroom to thaw my feeds or another one when I was on the mountain. I got always very fast cold fingers and sometimes I was worry about that.

It was fascinating to obesere how the body handle this because in the beginning my entire body was cold then just my hands/fingers, after a while it changed to onetime cold on my right hand and one time cold on my left hand and one time cold on my feeds and so on.
I also tried to use today the LOA - I imagned/wished warm fingers because in the beginning it was impossible to work with my hands. I realized that relaxing & being here within & as the physical brings warmth.

After the work I came home - my parents took care for my puppies. I went into my room and my mother was follow me. I felt a bit overworked because this kind of work occurs not often in my reality. My mother and me talked about something and she started talking with me as I were a little child and gave me instructions what & how I have to do like you have to turn on the light, dont put you cothes here ....
And a feeling/patterns of anger cames up within me but I stoped me imedeately & I said one sentence in anger like I do what I do but then I stoped talking with my mother because its a nonsense to talk in anger & also to talk in kind of instructions is not a communication - its master-slave-game which one did not give the otherone an equal position to self-responsibility as Life.

From my perspective its a typical reaction from parents(who believe that they are the masters) to his child (because of believing the child is stupid & need intstruction like a slave).
When I write this now and see the situation within me again a have the feeling of anger/irritability again.
Also my reaction in anger is based on past experiences which I have stored as memories in connection with feelings/emotions within me, many times I reacted in anger when I got instructions from my parents. Even as a child I went or rather I tried to went my own way and when I became a teenager I started to fight against this and justify myself like I have my own life, I know what I do, look at yourself, I am free to do what I want, I can express myself how I want & nobody can stop me, 1,2,3 Anarchy.....
(but most in way of taking care of my environment)
I had also a point where I judged my parents because of not given me in my early years to bear my own self-responsibility and not only coddle me.
This point I should not miss is that I gave also my parents instructions in situations of heath, I wanted to give support but the outplay was different because i didn�t know how to support effectively - in this I am developing me now also by doing my writings.

I realized here that free expression created this world how it is thus I will no longer allow to express myself or the expression from others as How I want or how they want except it is from a starting point of EQUAL as ONE as ALL LIFE for the benefit of all because otherwise its a ego-game like my patterns/reaction of anger/irritation and also the expression of communication from my mother - in both is nothing inside which will work for best of all.
The anger which not exist in this Reality is just a outplay from the ego to protect the self-interest like"I express myself how I want or I do what I want to do".

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to protect my self-created ego/self-interest with anger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to judge my parents because of me not given even in my early years an equal possition of self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve that ego do really exist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve that anger/irritation do really exist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-act in anger/irritation when my parents/mother/father gave me instructions what & how I have to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to judge the form of communication of my parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to give instructions to my parents.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to not stand one & equal with my parents.

Meine Blockade zum Bloggen & Vloggen

Ich sitze hier & finde oft keinen Ansatz zum schreiben. Warum?

Hin und wieder kommt mir hoch das es zur zeit nichts zu schreiben gibt, dann hab ich wieder punkte wo ich nicht weiß wie ich mich in diesen Punkten ausdrücken soll.

Da ich auch in englisch schreiben möchte, fällt es mir ab und zu auch schwer die passenden Wörter zu treffen, da ich mir aber auch schon des öfteren eingeredet habe mein englisch sei nicht gut genug.

Warum schreiben?

Ich verstehe die Erklärung von schreib dich frei und hab auch selbst die Erfahrung damit gemacht wenn ich meine in mir auferlegten Symbole durch Wörter/Gedanken, Emotionen, Gefühle, Bilder herausschreibe und so zu sagen die Symbole auf Papier/Computer freilege um 1. eine ganzheitliche Übersicht über meine Muster zu bekommen - da es somit auch einfacher ist schritt für schritt durch diese Definitionen mit Selbst-Vergebung durch zugehen und 2. auch der Effekt der schon eintritt beim herausschreiben - ein punkt von Selbst-Ehrlichkeit, nichts mehr zu verstecken zu haben bringt bei mir in gewissen Bereichen eine Erleichterung - ob man etwas ablegt was man schon länger mit sich mitträgt.

Somit WILL ich mich jetzt & erlaube mir hier durch meinen puren Willen zu pushen & zu motivieren um nun endlich täglich über meine Erlebnisse, Erkenntnisse, Selbst-Vergebung zu schreiben/zu berichten.


Ich vergebe mir das ich mir erlaubt habe zu glauben das es nichts zu schreiben gibt.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir erlaubt & akzeptiert habe an dem Gedanken teilzunehmen, das ich mich schon von meinen gröbsten Mustern befreit habe.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert & erlaubt habe Gedanken in mir zu tragen die mich glauben lassen wollen das ich schon eine art von perfektion erlangt habe.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert & erlaubt habe mich durch Gedanken täuschen zu lassen.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert & erlaubt habe durch diese Täuschung von Gedanken, die Realität/Tatsache wo ich im Leben/in meinem Prozess stehe aus den Augen verloren habe/verschleiert wurde.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert & erlaubt habe an den Gedanken "Ich weis nicht wie ich mich im schreiben Ausdrücken soll" teilgenommen zu haben und in mir als michselbst damit defniert habe und in mir als michselbst als ein energetisches Muster/Erinnerung abgespeichert habe.
Ich vegebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert & erlaubt habe nicht sofort zu erkennen und das gewahrsein zu leben, dass dieser Gedanke von "Ich weis nicht wie ich mich im schreiben Ausdrücken soll" eine Verbindung zu einer Emotion als Zweifel von mir selbst in mir kreiert hat.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe an mir selbst/an meinem Ausdruck zu zweifeln.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert & erlaubt habe Misstrauen gegenüber meinem Ausdrück zu haben.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir erlaubt und akzeptiert habe das Selsbt-Vertrauen das ich bin durch die teilnahme am Zweifel überlagert/verschleiert habe.

Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert & erlaubt habe mir einzureden und daran zu glauben und an diesen Gedanken von "mein englisch ist nicht gut genug" festzuhalten.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir nicht erlaubt habe mich derzeit so auszudrücken wie mein derzeitiges Selbst-Erlebtes/Erfahrenes Vokabular zuläst.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert & erlaubt habe diesen Gedanken von "mein englisch ist nicht gut genug" schon in der Vergangenheit wenn ich in anderen Ländern/Kontinenten reiste, teilzunehmen und daran festzuhalten und in mir ein Muster zukreieren anstatt sofort wenn solch ein Gedanke da war, zu mir selbst stopp zu sagen und die Täuschung/Blockade meines Selbst zu erkennen und zu korregieren.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir erlaubt & akzeptiert habe zum großteil deshalb englisch zu schreiben da ich eine Erwartungshaltung gegenüber der der Gruppe in mir trage.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir akzeptiert & erlaubt habe durch diese Erwartungshaltung im hintergrund eine Unsicherheit aufgebaut/kreiert zu haben und somit auch eine Blockade in mir kreiert habe mich frei und Selbst-Ehrlich in Selbst-Verantwortung & Selbst-Vertrauen im Bloggen/Vloggen auszudrücken.
Ich vergebe mir das ich mir nicht erlaubt habe mich Frei zu Schreiben wegen mir und nicht für andere um von andere irgendein Feedback zu erhalten sondern um mich zu korregieren - um mich und die Welt zum würdvollen zu verändern.

STOPP-bis hier hin und nicht weiter - Ich erlaube mir nun mich täglich für die nächsten 21 Tage wenn es die Zeit bzw die Umstände erlauben mich auf englisch sowie auf deutsch FREI zu SCHREIBEN.
Ich erlaube mir mich Selbst-Ehrlich und in Selbst-Verantwortung und in Selbst-Vertrauen auszudrücken.
Ich erlaube mir, sollte irgendein Gedanke/Gefühl/Emotion hochkommen die ich mir erlaubt habe und die mich hindern möchte mich Frei zu Schreiben, mich sofort zu korregieren.

Shocked !

Yesterday I worked with/helped a friend making a Interior Building, after the launch break, he bored me with a screw throughout my finger. I was standing there on the wall, I looked on my finger & I tried to go away but my finger was fixed on the wall - he was on the backside, he didn´t see me and I said just screw it backwards.

After he comes one of the first things what I said was “can happen” & “cool, I wasn´t really shoked” – he looked more shocked than me – he went to the car for some bandages. When he was away a feeling of dizziness & heat in stomach comes up, I started to sweat.

Some thoughts/pictures going around within me of my father, especially one Moment where I squeezed a finger from my dad by a car-door. My father looked at this moment still strong, not whining. When me happened this I saw my father as an example for “if something happen – stay calm”.

He brought me home and when I was at home tried sometimes to look back to this situation and felt that my body started to contract/having some emotional reaction by seeing again these pictures. I looked away & then I tried it again because I wanted to see the situation without any energatical/emotional movements/reactions.

It starts with the statement “I wasn´t really shocked”, I tried to deceive myself & my friend but obviously I had a shock but I wanted thtat it looks like that I in all-ways being stable/calm.

The last years I had some situation where I didn´t showed others my weakness I tried always stand here as strong & always being relaxed. I tried to hide myself from what I have allowed.

I see some situations by communicating with my parents which was sometimes combined with anger/irritation & when I lived together with Markus(spirit/new age/esoteric time).

I had also created a fixed picture of myself how I have to behave in some situations. My behavior of showing myself as strong is a self-protection, a protection of seeing whats really going on here/what have I accepted & allowed. 

It’s a polarity-game – want always be strong & thus created the weakness too and for this game I took my father as example.

Fascinating is that I have not really an Agreement with my father(what I currently see) but about strenght.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have an Agreement with my father about strenght.

I forgive myself that i haven´t allowed myself to see that each & every single point of agreement is a definition of myself & of others & each & every single definition of myself/others is a limitation/seperation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to face myself in everything what I acccepted within me & thus the world.

I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself to hide myself especially in showing others my self-created & self-allowed weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accpeted & allowed myself not standing one & equal as weakness.

I forgive myself that I haven´t accepted & allowed myself to see that strenght & weakness is just a polarity & thus not life as one as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to desire strenght.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to protect myself/my ego with the believe of strenght.

I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself to fear weakness.

I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself not to see that strenght & weakness are not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to participate in the design/idea of weakness & strenght.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to use anger to present myself as strong.

Emotional Turmoil

Since the last few days I falled in a emotional turmoil, it starts when I tried to bringing together my puppies with the dukes. I made also a vlog about this.
I opened the door where the dukes lived and I wasn´t aware that both puppies behind me. They running into the dukes places and wanted to play with them.
I saw this & in this moment I had shocked reaction, I was shouting to the puppies, one of them heared me but Balu was straight behind the dukes, after a while he heard me too.

After this situation I started to judge myself because of this shocked/anxious & angry reaction, because I beLIEved I had corrected myself completly from some reaction & that I now stable here. But I decieved myself already within in my believe, I created wihtin this believe/a new deception as a desire which got not fullfilled.
Since this time I felt a knot within my stomach & became more & more confused & also irritated & I can´t let it go ! I was seraching why, where is the point what I have missed.
I applied Self-Forgiveness but all in vain.
I also allowed myself to fall into old patterns again like how I talk with my parents especially my mother & through my confusion thus my unawareness I felt unable to stop it.

I didn´t realize that the point was of not standing equal with my shocked/anxious/angry reaction. So within this reaction & the judgement of this reaction I created a double layer within the mind within me so to speak or rather a tripple layer because after all I didn´t stand one & equal with the knot/feeling in the stomach area. I desired to feel comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to not stand equal as one with the knot what I feel in the stomach-area.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to judge the perception of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to participate in mind/thoughts as desire.
I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself to desire a comfortable situation without standing here in self-responsibility & taking no consideration that I have correct myself for all what I have accepted & allowed within & as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to define myself as the knot in the stomach area.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to not let go the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to be aware by every breath in every moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself the view refused to see what I have accepted & allowed within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to search in the mind as the mind for the answer what I can do instead of looking for what I have allowed & where I am/where I participate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to define the word knot as an emotion/feeling.

I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself to judge my judgement.
I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself to not stand one & equal with my shocked/anxious/angry reaction & not realizing that I have built up another layer with my judgment to my shocked/anxoius/angry reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to judge my shocked/anxious/angry reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to participate within in the mind & believe within this thoughts what I had.

I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself that I have believed that all corrections about anger are done.

I forgive myself for accepting & allowing myself to deceive myself within & as the believe that all corrections about angry re-action are done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to participate again in anger by communicating with my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to feel irritated by communicating with my parents.

Last time I experienced by being a passenger in a car that I had some shocked/anxious reaction because of not trusting the situation on the street and further more I judged the driver because of his driving style.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to have a shocked/anxious reaction by being a passenger in car without trusting my environment thus not trusting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to judge the driver because of his driving style.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to stand not equal as one with death thus I reacted in shocked/anxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to fear the death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to believe that the survival-instinct must exist because for my own security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted & allowed myself to not see & realize that so long a survival-instinct exist within & as me I am limited & I will stand real here as equal as one as life and act for what is best for all because the survival-instinct is a selfish program within the mind consciousness system thus a deception/illusion & a separation from myself & so long patterns within me exist what stand for self-protection it will never be real & it will never be for what is best for all.